I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
