im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
