omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
