the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
