I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
