I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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