Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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