Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
