Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
