I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm passing your future prison.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
