She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
