Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
