you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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