Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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