My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
