Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm getting married
To pizza
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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