we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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