he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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