filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
