Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
