Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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