I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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