so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
