If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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