You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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