I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
