ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
