She is in my trunk
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
