i was born a porn star she said
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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