You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
tell me about the eggs
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
