I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
