I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
