I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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