I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
