Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
