Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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