When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
