i permit you to call me
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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