just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
