we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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