I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
