Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
