that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
