I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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