I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
