you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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