I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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