I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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