Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
