the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
