I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
