There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
