cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
