I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
